So much gas, so little body

June 12, 2006

Charu here. It's taken me a long time to post again since being too tired all the time has been the norm. But now I'm more awake more often, like Talvin is too, and we're both discovering the wonders of being alive.

Talvin had a few milestones this week: He started smiling (not for long — just for a few minutes, and usually before a long wail telling us that he’s hungry);  he’s feedings have gone down from 20-40 minutes to 7-10 minutes (Hallelujah!). But he’s squirming just as much trying to make poop. His mouth scrunches up, his body tightens, he rolls his legs up, then straightens them out, then his whole body curls into an S-position, his hands craning to the left, his legs to the right, his eyes are snapped shut, and he strains and utters some guttural sighs, gulps and grunts with an occasional cry out loud. Then the poop comes. Sometimes we hear it gush out, sometimes it comes in a series of short explosions, and then all is quiet.

How is it that I love this beautiful child called Talvin? He has no personality. He hasn’t been here very long. He doesn’t make us need him in a sustenance kind of way. He doesn’t make us laugh, except for his cooing and burping and agonizing poops. Before April 25, he didn’t exist. Just the idea of him existed. But now that he’s here, what is it that I really feel? Is it really love? And if so, what kind of love is this that it happens immediately and intensely?

He’s definitely one of the more alert babies I’ve seen. When he’s awake that is, and I suppose that’s ironic J He stares intently at objects and landscapes; he even looks up at me, perhaps trying to tell me something, or just keeping a watchful eye on his food. It’s so funny sometimes the way he eats, or the way he looks just after he eats: it’s as though he’s trying to figure out where his next meal is going to come from. It’s hilarious, especially when he does this look while sitting in my lap, because his food is just a few epidermal layers away…

On Friday, we took him to the Tremont Art Walk, with Warren and Mayumi. It was crowded, and he was cranky. I even stopped at one gallery, and sat under a large blue and orange canvas to feed him. He was still cranky afterwards. So Pawan took him out of the stroller and walked with him. That seemed to quiet him down. I think Talvin likes focusing on Pawan’s goatee, and Pawan’s other natural charms as well, of course. As we walked through one gallery, one woman walked up and said, "What a beautiful baby. Congratulations. Enjoy him." Several other women came up to exclaim, “It’s a brand new baby!” He is almost 7 weeks (on June 13) and that does make him still brand new doesn’t it? I keep thinking he’s so much older than he is. I don’t know why, is it because he looks like an old man? Or because he looks like a little chickadee birdie who will grow up fast. Or because he seems like he has an old soul. Sometimes when he cries, I find myself thinking: Little Talvin, you should know better by now. Just tell me what you want. But that’s going to take a while.


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